It’s the little things…

It’s really crazy how every little thing is so important to me now. Having twins in the NICU EVERY NEW THING is an achievement, no matter how small it may seem. Today, my baby Zoey weighed 3 lbs 5 oz and she was able to wear her very first onesie and be swaddled. My heart was full when I saw her with her cute little onesie on. Even though it fits her a bit big, I couldn’t get over how precious she looks. Her sister Emery is a couple of ounces behind but hopefully she too will be able to wear her first onesie this week.

First Friday

this is my first post. i started this blog a few days ago but backdated the post to last year when this new journey began for me. https://vivalabrizette.wordpress.com/2017/07/15/dreams-of-being-a-mom/

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Welcome to First Friday, a weekly open thread where any new blogger can share a link to his or her very first post with the larger WordPress.com community. To share your first post with us, copy and paste the link right into a comment here. If you’re not new, you can still be a part of First Fridays: visit a…

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My tiny Christmas miracles…

Bedrest was really hard, mostly because i really missed my dog but I knew that the wellbeing of my twins depended on how long I could stay on bedrest. And I tried not to  complain too much about it. I felt sad some days but overall it was good. All my nurses told me I was their favorite patient.

On Christmas eve, which is my husbands birthday, our families all went to the hospital and we celebrated together. On Christmas day the high risk doctor came in and did a sonogram. He was happy to tell me the fluid in the sac that was ruptured was higher which meant that it was not leaking much anymore and my baby should be good to stay in longer. He was expecting for me to last a few more weeks. I was so happy and I called my husband right away to let him know. He had just left to take a shower at home. About 15 minutes later the doctor came back in and told me that the test for infections was elevated and I was going to be induced that day. I felt like my heart would beat out of my chest. It came out of nowhere. I was not expecting it at all. He said that it could harm the babies brains if I had an infection and they stayed inside. He said he would redo the test but these tests aren’t normally wrong.

When they redid it that afternoon, it wasn’t as high as it had been in the morning. I thought maybe it was an error and tried to get some sleep. On December 26th, I knew something was wrong right away when I didn’t get breakfast that morning. I told my husband that if they didn’t want me eating, then that meant I had to have a c section that day. I already knew it would be a c section because the doctor mentioned my babies not being in position to come out vaginally.

When my nurse walked in, she told me they had done another test and it was elevated again. The high risk doctor told me I had to have my babies. My actual ob was in Vacation for the holidays and his partner would be the one to do the c section. I was prepped and put in the room. Everything happened so fast. The doctor mentioned he wouldn’t be able to show me the babies as he took them ou because they wanted to get them to the incubators right away. The baby doctor said he would stop by my head really quickly so that I can take a peek at them. I felt so much pressure during the procedure. Like if an elephant was standing on my stomach and was pressing down on me.

When the doctors stopped by me with my babies I tried so hard to take a peek but i couldn’t see anything, they were wrapped up with blankets and I didn’t get to see them at all. After the procedure I had to stay in a post op room for a few hours. Those hours had me very anxious. I didn’t know how my babies are doing. They told me they were okay but I hadn’t seen them. I didn’t know how small they were until my nurse took me down to the NICU with my husband before putting me in my actual room. The moment I laid eyes on my babies, I felt my heart drop and the tears started to fall. I could not stop them even if I wanted to. Seeing how small they were, i just felt fear. I couldn’t imagine how these tiny babies would make it. I had so much faith, i kept praying “please God, please God, please God, save my babies” over and over and over.

Zoey weighed 1.13 oz and Emery 1.12. After a day they had went down to 1.8 oz. They were supposed to be 26 weeks but the doctors there counted them as 25 because they were very small. I had visitors and I remember thinking how i just wanted to hide under the covers and not talk to anyone. My heart was broken. When everyone left and my husband was asleep, I remember just crying non stop. Each time a nurse would come in they would try to console me but nothing anyone ever said made the tears stop. I just remember thinking I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t want my baby girls to be suffering, with tubes and needles sticking them 24/7.

I decided to be released from the hospital right away.. I had them on Tuesday at 1:34 pm and left the hospital on Thursday at around 11 am. My doctor told me i could stay and extra day but I wanted to get out of the hospital already. I wanted to get that ugly feeling over with, where I would be going home without my babies.

Even though i had a c section and I had friends telling me a thousand times how much I needed to rest, i just couldn’t. Every day I would go visit my girls and stay hours with them. I also had to pump to get breastmilk for them. Everyone told me my breastmilk would be the best thing for my tiny babies and so pumping every few hours was the goal. January seemed to never end for me. I prayed and prayed for March to come quickly. Now we are in February and my baby girls weigh a little over 3 lbs. They have gone from not being able to digest the milk so they would give them 1 ml and take it away. It took them longer than expected for them to be able to digest 1 ml. I remember their doctor saying how they should be drinking 10 by then, that the pick line they had could eventually harm their liver. I prayed every night for them to be able to digest their milk. Now they are getting 25 and 26 mls every 3 hours and their pick lines have been out for a few weeks.

In the beginning when my babies were a week old I was with Zoey watching her and she stopped breathing completely and her heart rate went all the way down. This was normal with babies born this early because they forget to breathe  since they aren’t technically supposed to be breathing and usually all you had to do was give them a little tap or rub and they would start to breathe again. Well this time my Zoey didn’t start breathing, her nurse went and got all these nurses and the doctor and went to her aide. I remember one nurse telling me to sit down, I think she thought i was going to faint. I honestly don’t know how I was standing. I started to pray and pray for Zoey with tears in my eyes. After a few minutes the doctor came and told me she was okay, they had to intubate her again. She had phlegm stuck in the back of her throat and after trying so hard to breathe through it her little body gave up. For a while Zoey had to stay intubated. Her sister Emery was on cpap which is less invasive then the tube down their throats.

After that incident, every day I would head over to the NICU I felt fear. I was scared that something would go wrong. Every time they forgot to breathe and their machines would beep I would get so nervous. I think those machines will stay in my nightmares forever. Now that they are a little bigger, they have less and less of those apnea episodes where they forget to breathe but they still happen and they are still scary for me. Right now my girls are 33 weeks, and according to the nurses and doctors these episodes should stop by the 34th week but sometimes they can last longer than that. I hope these episodes go away by the time they get to come home. I have a countdown of the day my due date was supposed to be and its still 48 days away. I sometimes pray to God to help time go by faster but then I feel bad because i’ve already asked for so much. He comes through every time. I thank God for letting my babies make it this far and I pray that he helps them have a long, happy and healthy life.

 

Dallas

Tour Guide

481D6F70-FC37-460D-BBC1-203C78F32E52The city of Dallas created a park on an old bridge after building the new one. I’ve always admired the skyline and the new bridges they have built have been making the skyline better and better. 💙

 

Are you there God? It’s me, Brizette.

Once I was admitted to the hospital, I was immediately put on magnesium to try to stop me from going into labor. I also got two steroids shots to help the development of the babies lungs. (These shots hurt SOOOO much. I felt like they were pouring cement in my veins.) I had heart monitors on me 24/7 and my heart beat was also being monitored so they would not confuse it with the twins’ heartbeats.

After two days, a nurse took my monitors off to give me a little rest and let me eat without the monitors on. I was so thankful for it until later when the nurse was getting the heartbeats back on the monitor. Everything seemed fine but then more and more nurses started coming, each pressing the monitors down on my stomach trying to find the heartbeat of the baby that had the sac ruptured. The nurses were all very apologetic because they knew how uncomfortable it was and they knew I was really worried. I saw how worried they were and heard how they kept calling my doctor who said he would get there in 30 minutes. I immediately thought that my baby had died, that maybe the sac leaked all the fluid and my baby girl didn’t make it. I remember how fast my heart was beating and everyone in the room could hear it. I was getting so anxious and I asked my husband to please get everyone out of the room.

When my doctor finally arrived, he told my husband and I that we might have to make a very hard decision. We had two options if something was actually wrong with baby A. One was since they were still very small, if we delivered baby A, baby B would have to be delivered as well because they shared the same placenta. He said we could lose one of them or both because they were way too small. But that by getting them out, baby A had a better chance because if she didn’t have enough fluid she would die if we left her in. Second option was basically letting baby A give her life for baby B. They wouldn’t do anything and leave her there. That would give baby B a better chance by giving her more time to grow. My heart felt like it would explode just thinking about the two options that we had. My mind screamed at me that I was not strong enough to decide. Both options could devastate me. I was at a loss.

I asked my doctor to please do the sonogram first. When he did the sonogram, I swear I was holding my breath and praying to God the whole time. I finally heard those words that I always prayed for when I had to run to the ER. Both heartbeats were there. If I could have done a somersault without causing my babies any harm, I would have. I felt so much relief, all I could do was cry tears of happiness. My doctor warned me that I sill had to make a decision because everything was fine right then and there but that could change really fast. I just prayed and prayed. God had let them live after going through so many things. I couldn’t lose them now. All I could do was pray that I could last at least 2 more weeks. My doctor said having them at 24 or 25 weeks would be way better than 23. A week would be a huge difference. My husband and I decided to give them both a fighting chance and deliver them both when the time came. I left it in God’s hands. I knew he would do everything to save my babies. God gave us 26 lifesaving days on bedrest. My babies had to be delivered on December 26th, the day after Christmas.

 

Two heartbeats…

A few weeks after finding out we were having twins, I had my first scare. I remember feeling like i had just peed on myself and when i went to the restroom, there was blood everywhere. I immediately thought I had a miscarriage and I was devastated. I drove myself to the emergency room and I was crying the whole way there. I remember gripping my arms so tight on the steering wheel to stop me from shaking so much. My husband hurried to the hospital from his job and they took me to a room for a sonogram right before he got there. The tech let me know right away that she saw two heartbeats and they were both perfect. I honestly could not believe it. I was expecting the worst because I knew how high risk my pregnancy was.

After that first scare, we had two others that had me bleeding a lot and we had to rush to the ER. Each time was more and more nerve wracking. There was not one day that I was not afraid they would tell me the heartbeats weren’t there. I started going to a high risk specialist who told me I had placenta previa, which caused the heavy bleeding because the placenta is covering the cervix. They told me I had to be on pelvic rest which basically means not having sex. My doctor also told me to avoid doing too much, he didn’t want me climbing up any stairs, exercising, or pretty much do anything that could cause me to start bleeding again.

My birthday month, which is September pretty much sucked for me. I remember going to see the high risk doctor and he told me my twins were so far apart, he could see no communication between them. I remember being scared to ask him what he meant because it did not sound good. They did a blood test that let him know I was at high risk for my babies to have down syndrome. That’s when I think my world shattered a bit. I was so scared. I looked up so much info about this test that told me a lot of the times it was incorrect but he also let me know that one baby was more than a week behind the other. He said that one being the much smaller was not normal and it could also mean this baby had a birth defect. After his appointment I was supposed to be going to work, it was my birthday and my coworkers were waiting for me with cake and balloons. I was devastated as I headed to my job, I was 5 minutes away from getting there when I decided I could not possibly be around people. I called in and headed home. I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep.

I decided not to do any tests to check if my babies had down syndrome that would harm them. We only did the blood test again in October and thats when the results were better. He also told me that now my babies were so close together, he couldn’t even tell if they were in the same placenta or not. Both babies had grown and they were only a day or two apart but that was in the normal range. I felt that things were looking up even though I had another scare because I was bleeding again.

I took some time off work and went back in November. After being back for two weeks I started not feeling well again. I was not in pain or anything like that but I just didn’t feel good and decided to stay home. Thats when one morning i felt water go down on the side of my leg. I immediately thought I had peed on myself. I called my doctors office and left a voicemail for the charge nurse who said she would call back that same day if the voicemail was left before 2pm. I waited and waited for the call back and never got one. When i explained what happened to my friends that night, they told me to head straight to the ER because it was not normal. I called the on call doctor who told me if i was worried to head to the ER but that I should just wait till the morning to call my doctor. I decided to wait since I was no longer leaking and when I did, the nurse immediately told me to go to Labor & Delivery straight away.

I was pretty upset. I knew I would never forgive myself if I had lost my babies for the simple fact that I didn’t go to the hospital right away like I should have. I should have never expected the nurse to call me back or the doctor to know what was wrong with me by just explaining to him what had happened. When I got to Labor & Delivery they did a test to check if I was leaking amniotic fluid and it came back positive. My doctor told me I could be going into labor. They put monitors to check the hearts of my baby girls and they let me know i was having contractions. I had just turned 23 weeks pregnant.

The Journey Begins

When the doctor told me I was expecting twins, my heart was so happy but I was honestly shocked. It was so weird because I dreamt of two babies since before I was pregnant and on my way to the appointment I kept thinking to myself how crazy it would be if the doctor would tell me he was seeing two babies now and not one like he did on our last appointment. I told myself that was a crazy idea and not to get my hopes up.

I remember leaving the office and everything was a blur. It finally hit me while I was driving home from the doctors office. I was listening to Brand New’s new album “Science Fiction” on repeat and I was passing Downtown Dallas. I always love admiring the skyline but this time I was too distracted just thinking of my husband’s reaction to the news and how our family and friends were going to FREAK out.

I stopped at Party City and bought a huge #2 balloon hoping that my husband would figure it out just by looking at it. When he got home he thought it meant two months pregnant but when i said “nope” he just looked at me and said “two babies?” and the shock I saw on his face was amazing. Our families and friends took it exactly how I expected. August 14th, 2017 is a day I will never forget. IMG_1285.JPG

Dreams of being a mom.

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When my husband and I got married, we decided we were ready to start a family. Right after our wedding in 2015, I realized something was wrong with me because my menstrual cycle was not coming every month like it always did. At first I thought it had to do with all the stress of planning a wedding but then I also started gaining weight really fast without being able to control it. My doctor would tell me I just need to exercise and start eating healthy but nothing I did seemed to work. I tried using birth control to get my menstrual cycle on track and that didn’t seem to work either. When I finally went to see a fertility specialist, our 2 year wedding anniversary was coming up. The fertility doctor confirmed my suspicions that I had PCOS. It is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant.

The specialist told me that I was not ovulating and my first option was thankfully the cheapest one. (I was so afraid that he would say our only option was IVF and I knew we wouldn’t be able to afford that.) The option was taking a pill called clomid that could get me to ovulate. The pill cost under $50 and the doctor told me exactly when to take it, how soon after to have intercourse and when I should try taking a pregnancy test to see if it worked. He said the pill did not always work on the first try and i could try this option 3 or 4 times if I wanted. If this did not work we would have to look into the more expensive options like IVF.

I went to see this specialist a few times after taking the pill and he did sonograms to see if any follicles had started growing. These follicles would eventually be eggs if they kept growing to the right size. He saw 3  follicles that did but told me that not all 3 should keep growing. In my second appointment to check the growth of the follicles he was shocked because he said all 3 did keep growing and it could be a possibility that I would have multiply babies. He said it was slim but it could happen and said I could skip this time and do it again next month. I decided to keep going with it after reading about it and seeing that the possibility of me having multiples was really slim since getting pregnant at all was also slim in my case. My husband and I had sex the days we were supposed to.

The doctor told me to take the pregnancy test 2 weeks later, on July 20th, 2017 but I was so impatient that I took the test on the 15th. That was the moment our lives changed forever. It was a big fat positive and I was ecstatic. I kept hearing my doctors words about not feeling too sad or let down if it did not work this time because it  usually takes a few times before it works, and not to stress about it therefore seeing that positive sign had me extremely freaking happy. I went to my first doctors appointment after the positive test and he confirmed I was pregnant. He showed me one tiny little bean on the screen and I remember leaving his office feeling very happy but thinking about the two babies I kept seeing in my dreams. The thought quickly left my mind and I was just so happy that I would finally be a mom.

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